She sat across from me in Algebra class. In terms of appearance, I always compared the two of us as complete opposites. There I sat; a dark-haired, tan-skinned, green-eyed, arm-scarred, large, short-haired, tall, rather awake and attentive child whose only noticeable feature was his strong chin. I didn’t even mention the bags under my eyes so bad, it looked as if they were packed and ready for vacation.
She had a light complexion with freckles just above the bridge of her nose and below her eyes. Her eyes were robin’s egg blue and her lips were a beautiful dark crimson red that stood out, but didn’t scream for attention. Her lips were thin, like her. The hair that she had was red with dark blond streaks. She didn’t have a scar on her. The bags under her eyes were non-existent. However, she liked to sleep in class. This made the beauty of her face covered by her long hair and the wonder that were her eyes covered by her eyelids.
I would always look at her eyes. I peered in the hopes that she wouldn’t see me each time I looked. Maybe I wanted her to see me. Catch me lost and swimming in her eyes. Although, no matter how much I looked at them, all I ever got back in return was my reflection. Her windows were like those of a limo – she could see out but you could not see in. This taught me the lesson that here eyes were strictly aesthetic. It was too bad that she liked to sleep. It never gave me much time to gaze at her eyes.
Of course I saw her in other classes throughout the day, but I never got a view like the one in Algebra 3-4. In fact, Algebra 3-4 became the highlight of the day. There would be so many schooldays where the only thing, the only hope, getting me through the day was the opportunity to just look upon her face. It got me through almost anything at times.
I wasn’t obsessive, nor in a mentally grotesque state at that time. I knew my fondness for her was high, but it was pure. My thought of this was validated by how I knew what kind of a person she was on the inside.
The leaves fell off the trees and turned brown, signaling the arrival of autumn. Then those same leaves froze, plastered, to the ground, announcing winter’s coming. I am surprised I noticed the seasons came, as all I ever really payed attention to was her. It was the Friday before winter break had begun and school had just ended. Everyone dashed out of school. I was a little depressed at the fact that it would be a while before I saw her again. The best I hoped for was just seeing her at the mall or something like that. Christmas came and I got my presents and I had gotten other people theirs. People bought me some new clothes, a new MP3 player, a new toy for my computer. None of it really filled what void I had inside.
New Year’s came by. My friend invited me to a New Year’s party. It was to begin at 9 O’clock PM. He rolled by my house at 8:30. Before I left, my parents gave me the usual warnings. No Sex. No drugs. No drinking. No driving. I was a relatively good kid, so all of these went without saying.
We arrived at a little after nine. I walked inside where the party was. I sat down with a soda or two in my hand. I was smiling withy my teeth and mouth, but not with my heart. My friends saw past my mask and tried to introduce me to some girls. Girls who said I was quite attractive. Girls who said they knew I was the sensitive man they wanted. I’m sure that at any other time I would’ve loved to sit and chat with them. Maybe even do more. But no one was able to get my interest much as it was absent with Her.
My friends drove me home and On the way home I fell asleep.
As I slept, I dreamed. I dreamed that I was standing atop a field of clouds. Off in the distance was the sun, and it was beginning to set. This made the area around me a golden color. Before me stood her, wearing a holy white gown. I blinked once and the kind of rays of light that poke through the clouds to earth came from her eyes and mouth. I blinked again, and an aura that glowed a magnificent silvery color surrounded her. I blinked one more time. This time, I think I wanted to blink just to see what would happen next. After my eyes closed for a fraction of a second, she moved closer to me. There was now just six inches between us. Her eyes were closed and her lips open, longing for a kiss. I had never kissed a girl before, how could I be expected to kiss a being of angelic beauty?
Right as I began to move closer, I was awakened by the sound of my friend’s voice. He began to speak. “Hey, thanks for coming along with me. And I’m sorry if you didn’t wanna meet any of those girls. I just thought you could’ve used some company.” I nodded my head in understanding and he continued. “Hey I wanna ask something from you.” My face turned to a curious expression. “While driving you home, I hit a patch of some black ice. I think I c-caused a v-v-van to swerve off road and hit a pole. I-I-I want you to not t-tell anyone about this, okay?” I didn’t know what to think. I was panicked for only a second. My mind raced for only a second. I understood for only a second. After an expression of shock, I nodded my head and explained that these things happen. I got out of the car and went to sleep when I got inside my home.
Winter Break ended and a look of pure happiness returned to my face. I will be able to see Her again. For the first classes of the day, time couldn’t have gone by slower. Finally, Algebra arrived. I awaited for her to take her seat in class. I awaited for a queen to take her throne. Sadly, she didn’t show when class started. My mind quickly made the excuse that she was a little late. Whispers began to circulate around the classroom. Then the P.A. let the sound of a voice come from it. The man about to announce cleared his throat.
“As some of you may have heard, there was an accident over the break in which one of our students was unfortunately rushed to the hospital.” My ears perked up to something they normally ignored. “The student was in intensive care for 4 days, but unfortunately died.” My mind began to race a little. Much to my horror, the voice went on. “We would like to have a moment of silence for the student who died in the car accident.” He then said her name. Her Name. The moment of silence followed. My head could not control the thoughts circling around in it all at once. Luckily, the moment of silence had ended. If it hadn’t I’m afraid those voices would’ve been with me forever. I ran out of the room. I rushed to the washroom. I could imagine the curious questions of my peers asking me why I ran. When I returned I explained to them I had to vomit. I wish I had. I felt sick to my stomach. The teacher recommended that I go home. I gladly took her up on her offer.
I returned home and explained to my parents that I had gotten sick at school. They nodded their heads and said that I should get some rest. They ushered me to my room. I pretended to go to sleep, but instead I just lay there. I lay there until the sun went down. I lay there til it rose again. I could not sleep. What has happened? Why will I never see her again? No. None of this has happened. Nothing is wrong. Everything is as it’s always been. I will return to school the next day and see her. Her beautiful face, her freckles, her bright eyes, and her inviting lips. She will be there tomorrow. In the back of my head, I knew though. That bastard. That damn bastard. He drank far too much and shouldn’t have driven home. That little piece of shit shouldn’t have driven home. He is dead when I see him next. I will blow his brains out to kingdom come. They’ll need a dustpan and brush to pick him off the wall. I will pick him up and throw him a million miles. I’ll shoot him. I swear I will shoot him. She will be avenged.
In my deluded state, I returned to school the next day. I was comatose until English. Everyone asked me if I was okay and said that they were sorry I wasn’t there yesterday. I answered laconically. She wasn’t there. She wasn’t there. I heard the P.A. I half ignored it because I was searching for her. Searching for her like a lost homework assignment lost in a pile of papers. I suppose the words of the announcement sunk in subconsciously. There will be a wake. I will attend.
I returned home. My parents caught on to how strange I was acting as of late. I told them that I was perfectly fine. I went to my room. I gathered together my best and finest outfit. Everything was all laid out. The days went through my fingers as I tried to catch them as I tried to catch sanity. The day for the wake came. My parents drove me to the funeral home and dropped me off. I would call them when I needed to be picked up. I made my way inside. Much to my surprise, no one was there from school. Was I the only one who noticed her? The only one who showed any sign of compassion for her? Unfortunately, this was confirmed by no one showing up.
I sat down. During the whole wake, I tried not to look at her. The Pastor got up, and said his words. The mother and father got up, and said their words. Everyone left. The owner of the funeral home said that they would be closing in ten or fifteen minutes. I nodded my head.
I decided it was time to get up and gaze at her one last time. I moved closer to her coffin. No. No. What have they done to you? Her eyes, closed and never to be seen again. Her lips; cold and dead. Not showing the life they once had. Her skin, cold and icy. The freckles, almost gone. Her hair, put behind her head. He beauty had died with her. But there was still something about her. I fell to my knees. I grabbed her hand. Still cold. No. No. No. NO! My tears trailed unto her skin. Her face had become blurred by the tears of sorrow from my eyes. Why did this have to happen? No. Nothing happened. Everything is still normal. Face it. She’s gone. Why did this happen to me? Why didn’t I tell her how I felt? Was it because I couldn’t do it? Was it fear of rejection? It didn’t matter now. I regret it. I regret not having told her. It is my fault. This is on my head now. It is my fault she died, it is my fault she didn’t know, and it is my fault I ever looked upon her face in the first place. My crying did not stop. I continued to hold her hand, probably in the vain hopes that she would squeeze it. I whispered her name. No. I spoke her name. No. I could only say nothing and sit in the deafening silence.